Quotes
'Sirrion' Players GM - Ed Xaris - Mage (Bob) Artemis Boone - Rogue (Scott) Timon - Monk (Dewey) Kasia - Archer (C.E.) Artemis: I swear this is probably exactly what it looks like, but it’s not what it looks like. Xaris: I’ve heard…tales of-''' '''Artemis: -a fantastic lover, named Artemis Boone. Scott: I can’t swallow Guinness and breathe at the same time! Why haven’t I learned that yet? Lungs don’t work that way! Ed: Ha, he’s trying to commit Guinness-cide. Everyone who didn’t just choke on Guinness gets an extra hit point. Artemis: Hey, Ettin, is that your head or did your neck throw up? Scott: …I just fangasmed. Artemis: I feel that the chaos I spread is unintentional. Kasia: What if I just give my baby to the wolves? Xaris: I’m going to hit Artemis. Scott: Are you actually walking over here to hit me? Artemis: If I’m thinking what I think he’s thinking, then I’m thinking something very clever. Xaris: I think I’m crossing over to the Dark Side… Artemis: Welcome aboard, I already got us a table! Timon: Get off his back! Artemis: Well Kasia certainly won’t get off hers. Scott: I’m looking for something between a 14 and a 20… and that’s a 1. Carmeus: My little warthog, thrusting through the brush. Artemis: He doesn’t know which hole it goes in. Timon: There’s more than one? Artemis: Remember, Kasia, they don’t have K.Y. at the monastery. Timon: We just use spit. Ed: That never gets less funny. I call this my SPLAT book. Xaris: Wait, wait, if I accidentally kill your brother you won’t stab me in the eye will you? Artemis: Follow the water; it will lead you outside… or to the center of the earth, I can’t remember which. Artemis: How long are you going to ride that pony pregnancy? Kasia: Until I can ride you again. Ed: The Magus The Magus The Magus is on fire We don’t need no water… Ed: Let’s say you have 1500 gold between the party Scott: Actually, I only have 45 gold. Ed: What? Why!? Scott: I bought A LOT of poison. Bob: How do I attack his fortitude? Scott: …Drop your pants? Dewey: I’m glad is too dumb to get that, or I’d feel really bad. Artemis: Man, I love being a dumbass. Timon: Eh, I’m used to it. Bob: I reach down to check if my balls are still there. Ed: They aren’t. Zaratan: Ride me, little one. Ride me like a pony. Xaris: The only way these people will come to accept that mages aren’t evil is to meet a mage who isn’t an asshole. Artemis: Do you know one? Ed: Every wood has a purpose; you just have to find where to put it. Hm, I can’t believe that came out that way. Artemis: Xaris, can you make horses? Shadow horses? Xaris: Not so much… Artemis: Have you tried? Artemis: Let’s just say it’s purple. Ed: You haven’t even married her yet. Scott: I’ve been busy!! Ed: Which means you stay young your woman is going to get old quick. Scott: That’s why we’re having daughters. (C.E. then punches Scott) Artemis: Remember, not in the butt… unless she asks for it. Ed: You go to pray, he goes to get laid. Ed: His name is Silver Lightning, and he is a beautiful mare. Scott: I too am a beautiful mayor. Ed: Kasia, while you won’t live forever, you’ll always look young. But you only have five years to live… It’s the cancer, you see. 'Sirrion Legacies' Players GM - Ed Garrett von Marck - Adventuring Scholar (Scott) Maureen - Mage (Dewey) Rodrigo - Warrior (Bob) "Dizzy" - Elf Druid (C.E.) Orrin Thebes - Priest (Dan) Liam - Archer (Dan) Gene - Monk (Matt) Iko- Ite Monk (Dan) Ed: Lord Artemis calls you into the Grand Hall, where he makes all his important proclamations. Scott: Also known as the bathroom. Ed: Maureen, you have a spell book, which is near indestructible. Scott: They can even be submerged in lava for brief periods of time with no ill effects. Dewey: Do I have a staff or crossbow or any sort of weapon? Ed: No. Dewey: Nothing? No eating knife? A fork? Scott: Perhaps a small, slightly pointed twig? C.E.: Nipples! Scott: That’s what they are, they don’t lactate. Ed: Then what did you put in my coffee? Dizzy: Why is Rodrigo always carrying Garrett? Maureen: Well, he did say he wasn’t interested in women… Ed: What do you want to do? Throw him on the bed? Rodrigo: We’re in a land that has taken up the enslavement of elves for fun and profit. Ed: It’s a three-step process. Maureen: Wizard Xaris always said my burning hands were good… Garrett: Seriously Dizzy, what you do in the kitchen is a sin. C.E.: Punch him in the taint! (Scott makes a successful attack roll) Ed: Thud. “Wooooarrh!” C.E.: He’s a steer, now. Ed: You feel something minotaur roll over the top of you. You can’t tell what it is, but it’s big and hairy and snorting. Garrett: …Rodrigo? Garrett: Well, if I had gotten a chance to examine the body before Choppy McChopperson here did his job I might have been able to divine a little more information. Orrin: We could float the body downstream… Garrett: I like that plan, it sounds easy. Ed: It’s a very small stream Scott: Well, if there’s enough of a current to float Rodrigo’s lardass down it, I’m sure there’s enough for our purposes. Garrett (on eating minotaur): It’s like a cow, but it’s also like a human… but not enough to be weird! Ed: Now Bob you have a scrotum in your hand and have no idea what to do with it. Dewey: Well that’s not a realistic situation. Ed: You get a horn, you get two horns. Do you want a horn? Bob: No. Ed: Not a horny individual? Jesus, I can’t believe I said that... C.E.: I got a 24 for my Listen check. Scott: Thank got for those big ears. Ed: And standing above you, he plunges the sword into your backside. Orrin (to Philip the Thug): I’m going to have to ask you to sign a waiver so I know it’s okay to heal you after what’s about to happen to you. Orrin (again, to Philip the Thug): Dushkan’s only handing out ass-kickings and lollipops today, and he hasn’t taught me the summon lollipops spell yet. Ed: You pass the door to see Maureen and Rodrigo spooning. Dan: Funny, I would have thought Rodrigo would be the big spoon. Ed: Dushkan works in many ways… Dan: He likes to work through my mace. Ed: Wow, Sarah got a 28 initiative. C.E.: That’s ‘cause she’s a fucking badass. Dan: No, she’s fucking Garrett. Scott: I think we should start a nasty rumor. Did you all hear what Dan did in California? Ed: Dan, we all want C.E. back, but you can’t just burn her out of her home. Dan: With friends like these, who needs friends? Scott: Forty seconds is a long time to sit and stare at something… Ed: Like Mage Xaris’ penis. Scott: Generally it takes you fifty seconds to find it. Ed: …yay…critical. Scott: Mechanical leg, that’s all I’m saying. Like Robocop. You could have kept knives in it. Whirr-chink. Knife! That’s all I’m saying. Maureen: Maybe we should go to the Lucky Squirrel to find Reginald. Bob: Where do you think all the Dargothian guards are? When you want to avoid the cops you don’t go to a doughnut shop. Tim: Dear Lord, I’m fighting the ocean? Ed: Technically you’re fighting the undercurrent. Tim: Wait, I think I have improved grapple. Dan: Best teleportation spell… ever. Dewey: Well, it’s not like it was into a pool of lava. Ed: Six points of damage, and a lung comes out with it. (After Maureen has lost an arm) Rodrigo: Oh, and whore has the clap! Ed: Yeah, they’ll be a lot of clapping going on. Scott: Not from Maureen. Dan: Buying some White Knight Blades? You thought we were “just” buying some White Knight Blades? What, were we running low? Garrett: You are the worst rooster ever. Rodrigo: Kiss my cock. Ed: Shepard’s Pie… the Hot Pocket of the 12th century. Dan: I’m going to go ahead and shoot an arrow through his pants to trip him up. Dewey: Oh, this is going to be terrible if you screw up… Scott (to Matt): Thank God you’re a monk and you don’t use that anyway. Rodrigo: Liam, I have to ask, how many people are you going to fire arrows at before you know who they are? Garrett: Oh, Rodrigo, that reminds me I have a message for you. A pot called and said, “You’re black.” Liam: Well, I wouldn’t keep firing if people would stop popping up with weapons-''' '''Garrett: Behind you! Ed: In the hold of the ship there are dead bodies everywhere. It’s like a Korn song down there. Dan: What’s a “corn” song? Scott: It’s a song slaves used to sing while they picked corn. Dan: Really? Scott: No. Ed: In the crew’s quarters there isn’t much. In a footlocker there are some lewd drawings of naked women. Liam: There WERE some lewd drawings of naked women. Maureen: How much for a pint of whiskey? Frank: Well, I don’t sell it much… how about 6 copper? Maureen: Oh, you need to sell it for more than that. Rodrigo: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the man. Garrett: Wait, you’re not going to kill him, are you? Ed: You’ll find Liam later in the room with jerky in one hand and a jar of Crisco in the other. “What? It’s been a long day.” Matt: I’m definitely bunking separately. Gene: Unless he’s got something that tastes good, I’m outta here. Matt: This magical hammer could be the key to defeating tiny Donkey Kong. Ed: Maureen just got her arm back and now she’s lost her eyes. She’s bad with body parts. Dan: That’s not what I hear. Maureen: Do you think I could see that teleport scroll? Gene: Let’s see… two cups sugar, one egg beaten vigorously… Wait, this is a recipe for brownies! This isn’t a teleport scroll at all! Maureen: By the way, where is Garrett? Ed: Robbed by highwaymen. It’s a thought. Liam: Robin I was thinking you could come with me. Si’mark is one place, but there are other places where you could…sell your talents… for a much higher wage. Gene: Well, I’ve been blue-balled for a very long time… Robin: You should get someone to help you with that. Maureen and Ed: Garrett? Gene: Hey, remember that whole “sex before marriage” thing you were talking about? Liam: I don’t remember talking about that. With you. Ever. Ed: Wouldn’t that suck? You’ve got one chance and you release the special-ed kid. “Hurr! I like fireballs!” Dan: All I know is I’d like to circum…navi… her… something something. Maureen: I see you’re a man who enjoys his drink. Iko: No more than any man who finds solace in drink in moderation. Garrett: Soo… you’re an alcoholic. Dewey: Wait, Cataline is a drag queen? Bob: No, no… she’s already evil because she has a vagina. Maureen: Well, whip it out and see if it points to anything in the room. Ed and Scott: That’s what she said! 'Southern Sirrion' Players GM - Ed Loric Talarius - Ko Ko-Sai (Matt) Sebastian Zorenov - Vascian Cavalier/Shaman (Scott B.) Andris Vallus - Elven Cavalier (Scott F.) Pyrrhus - Dargothian Warrior (Bob) Liriel - Human Druid (Dewey) Dolphus - Goblin Thief (Ed) Andris: Okay, so maybe I'm not an elf. Andris: Well, hello there... (Scott F., to Ed) So is she the five or the seven? Andris: So... can I borrow some pants? Scott B.: Fuck the Kolice! Andris: Now, you see, the lapels... they're terrible. Jeb: The la-wha... oh, yes. Lapels. The lapels, well-''' '''Andris: And the tassels! There are no tassels! WHERE ARE THE TASSELS!?! Matt: I got a copper from the lady, but it cost three copper for the cream to get rid of the crabs. Net loss. Ed: Bob, was your grandfather known for anything? Dewey: Only his capacity for drink. Dewey: You know, as long as we've been playing, I've never had to roll for balance, climb, swim... Scott B.: Maybe if you got up off your ass once in a while! Bob: (reviewing his character sheet) Why don't I have anything here? Scott B.: Some people are born boys, and some people are born girls. Scott B.: If one of you cunts doesn't get over here and save my life, I'm naming my next character Sleyvas. Matt: Okay. Problem solved. I love Kalyn. Dewey: Bob likes the way I stroke him. Scott B.: This carniverous plant eats semen. Matt: Where do you get it? Scott B.: I invite sailors up to the garden. Matt: Ah... seamen. Scott B.: Then I have them jerk off into it. Matt: What about me? You haven't touched me all night. Matt: Why stretch out, Ed? You'll just be horny again an hour later. Matt: I will suck you off right now if it means getting an acquittal. Matt: Don't worry, I caught everything with my pants. Sebastian (to Loric): Rufus is as good a killer as you, and he's a coyote. Liriel: Guys, watch that hole, will ya? Sebastian (to Andris' leadership skills): I like you, but I wouldn't follow you around a corner. Liriel: Rufus, do you mind staying with that bitch a little longer? Rufus: Nah, I mean another night. Maybe two. I don't want to end up with a litter of puppies. Liriel: Well we'd leave in that case. Ed: Dick swinging, you walk forward. Scott B.: I'm going to attempt open lock. Ed: With what? Scott B.: Um, 17. Ed: With what? Scott B: 17, total. Ed: No, with what are you using to open the lock? Scott B.: Oh. Uh... my fingers? Scott F.: Is the door even unlocked? Ed: You try it, it opens. Scott, the lock you have your fingers jammed into pinches you as the door swings open. Take one point of damage. That's the best reason for damage I've given anyone tonight. Scott B.: Pyrrhus' "Good Idea, Bad Idea" die only has one side. (Both Pyrrhus and Loric are knocked out in combat) Ed: Okay, it goes to Loric.. no... Pyr- nevermind. It's Andris' turn. Matt: Franchises? "Welcome to McStabby's, may I take your purse?" Matt: This is our healin' jug! Ed: I'll remind you, women always have at least one pocket. Dewey: I'll conceal the key. Ed: Hahaha! Dewey: Not there! Liriel: Rufus... first fornicating, then gambling? Rufus: Well, we are hanging out with a rough crowd. Scott B.: Next he'll be drinking and hanging out with those black coyotes. Shaman: I could help you... for a price. Liriel: I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you. Shaman: Spend the night with me. Liriel: That is out of the question! Shaman: I don't understand... Liriel: I might need your help, but if you think I'm going to have sex with you-''' '''Shaman: Whoa, whoa! Who said anything about sex? Liriel: You said-''' '''Shaman: I'm the only curator of this shrine. It gets lonely. I thought it would be nice if you'd stay here and we could play a few games of Go. Liriel: ...oh. Shaman: What kind of a person do you think I am!? Bob: Sleyvas had... issues. Scott B.: Sleyvas had a fucking subscription, Bob. Dewey: Okay, my flame strike does 31 points of damage to the water dragon. Ed: The dragon rears its head, sees the charred scales on its back, then looks at you plaintively and asks, "Why?" Liriel: Find that mage! We need to catch him and beat the truth out of him! Scott B.: You could buy a scarf and maybe get laid by your possible sister. Andris: I rip his pants off. Bob: Scott, your wiener made my butt hurt. Ed: In the center of the room there is a brassiere... brazier. Son of a bitch. Ed: Loric puts his mouth on Andris' head and starts sucking. I probably could have phrased that better. Pyrrhus: That's okay, I'll just wear your clothes. Sebastian: Fine, but they're going to be a little big on you. Except for the underwear, that'd be small. Ed: Wait, who was that supposed to insult? Kalyn: Sebastian will become wild once a month, usually at the full moon. Liriel: Oh, I know how that goes. Loric: Don't worry, madam, Dargothians are only hard when they're fighting. Ed: Liriel roll your Intelligence to cook. Matt: Roll your gender! Ed: Scott, as a werewolf your Intelligence drops by three. Scott B.: That puts me at a 9. Matt: So, we'll be able to play simple games with him, like patty cake or rock-paper-scissors. Though, we'll all have to explain to him who wins. Sebastian: And apparently I'm not allowed to drink anymore. Loric: You can drink, you just can't get drunk and violent. Sebastian: And apparently I'm not allowed to drink anymore! Pyrrhus: (lying his ass off) I don't really recall what he looked like, other than he was small and hairy. Guard: What color was his hair? Dark? Light? Pyrrhus: Actually, I don't think he had much hair at all. Guard: ... Pyrrhus: Is it Bad!?! (Giant wasp stinger sticking out of his neck) Ed: Bob yours is shorter, but wider. Sebastian: You stay away from here, Motherbits. Ed: I'm glad someone finally thought of that. Because I'm just going to send you to a paradise where everything is perfect for no reason. Idiots. Andris: Did we ever get those magic glasses back from Tim? Loric: I was a little busy... holding my dying mother in my arms. Ed: You come across a bar called The Maiden's Head. Scott: Is it a sister establishment to The Maiden's Tit? Ed: Yeah, all her pieces are scattered across Sirrion, just like Loric's mother. Scott B.: What did you name your hammer? Bob: "Judgement" Scott B.: And what did you just kill the captain with? Bob: My sword... "Justice". Ed: So you literally just administered Justice without Judgement! Scott: Hey, I just met you ' And this is crazy' ' But I just saved you' ' So please stop screaming.' Liriel: Oh, if I ever see this cunt in human form again I'm gonna curbstomp her. Sebastian: I'll rescue Pyrrhus drowning. Liriel: I'll help. Sebastian: You'll just get in the way. Liriel: Excuse me? Sebastian: Did I stutter? Liriel: Okay, suit yourself, you big strong man. Idiot. Sebastian: She called me strong. Ed: Retard strong. Scott: Okay, I jump into the harbor to swim out to him [nat 1]... and I might be drowning. Bob: Have you ever successfully piloted anything? Scott B.: I successfully piloted my dick into your mom. Matt: Sense Motive! [nat 1] I believe him! Matt: I'm tight in all the right places. Scott F.: Bob I have more muff diving experience than you. Dewey: I'm not getting involved in this conversation. Bob: Don't worry, we're not talking IRL here. Matt: I will cut both of my own ears off if this conversation goes any further. Bob: You're just a prawn in the bouillabaisse of life. Matt: I'd like to think of myself as more of a bishop. Dewey: There's a bishop in the bouillabaisse!? Bob: We've got a healer. Scott B.: Yeah, but he's not a coyote.